Life

I've never really just blogged about what's really going on. I just talk about events that have happened.

I can't stand that right now. I just need to... erm, type. And this will probably just jump around all over as I think about things.

From what I can tell, most people don't like me, and only talk to me as needed. I can bet some of the cast members from Winter's Tale think I'm a total bitch because I'm the one who sent out the email and made the phone calls and said what was needed to be said. For some reason I like this, since I can point to something that makes people hate me. I'm used to people just hating me for me.

I can count the number of people from high school I still talk to on one hand. I can count the people who used to talk to me during high school on two hands, so I didn't lose much. Two friends came to visit me yesterday. My roommates made me feel guilty about spending time with them, since they decided to clean the apartment. My friends planned this trip in September, and I still took time to scrub out the sinks and wipe down the counter. My friends wanted to ask the roommates if they wanted to join us for supper. I refused. I just wanted to pretend I was back home already. It worked for a little awhile until Dordt people showed up at Pizza Hut.

While at the cast party at April's house, I felt like I was in high school again, but worse. I had a car there, but people just squashed into other cars, leaving me alone. Becky rode with me out of pity, since I couldn't just leave my car where it was. I should have just left, no one would have missed me since pretty much no one talked to me once we got there. I decided that if people refused to ride with me to Perkins I would just leave. Some guys were pretty much forced to ride with me, so I at least went. I then spent the night listen to people talk.

The cast for the show bonded, made friendships. I was just the SM, who was there all the time, but who was ignored unless a line was forgotten, or if someone did something wrong. Time spend backstage was excluded from me. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. But it's so lonely. Before warm-ups I would sit in the house, and people would sit all around me talking, but never to me. I was reminded of the time after the Lenten service when we had the discussion for Confirmation class. The group of girls was already about in the middle of the pew. I went and sat by them. The girl closest to me moved to the other side of them, to get away. Then the next girl by me. This continued until they were squashed up against the far side of the pew, leaving me totally alone. My mom was so angry by that she went and talked to the youth pastor. We were told there was nothing they could do. This was in February or March, and I was Confirmed in April. I've gone back to that church maybe 10 times since then. That was in 8th grade. It kills my grandmother that I've "left the church" since I'm a 6th generation Lutheran. Even though I go to a nice Lutheran church here, it's not the same. My family has gone to the same church back home since it was built, 125 or so years ago.

People look at me and decided from what they see I'm not worth talking to. I know this. I'm used to it. I've tired to change this, and it's so hard. My mother tries to help, but does more harm than good. In my head I'm always going to change, but it never seems to work. I'm about to the point of just giving up.

I'm crying to hard to type more.